Love, Work, and working on love

This article is two-fold.

The old saying “Working on or at love” and the idea of work (as a profession) and the concept of love.

I would like to start with the former.

The saying that one has to work on love, or rather more aptly work at loving someone…

This is a concept that I have always heard of but never understood.

What does it really mean?

My latest epiphany is that one does not really work on love. Love exists and is a lot of times unexpected.

You don’t have to work on the “love” part itself, that will be there.

What you do have to work on, is the little things concerning love.

In my personal life, this means paying attention to the other person and what they are saying. It means remembering the small details and important dates.

This is something that does not happen easily for me. I believe that the human race is self-centered and the main driving force for us is survival. This doesn’t mean we are the old “hunter gatherers” from times of old. But we do want to live better, and we drive ourselves forward with this in mind. A lot of us will do this for another person. By getting a better job, you can support your family more easily. But in a sense we are doing it for ourselves. We are selfish.

But by doing something for someone else, not because you should, but because you can… now that is “working” on love…

By remembering little details and commenting on them later, by spending time with that person and not being distracted by Tv, or you phone… that is “working” on love.

By finding out what the other person likes to eat, and surprising them with it… its these little things that make a big difference in how your relationship will grow.

Now this goes hand in hand with another topic for me, and one that I am guilty of.

We are all in an age driven by our careers. Work for a lot of us has become an all-consuming thing, with standard work hours ranging from 8-14 hours a day. With these hours comes the stress of performance, and this also brings about another phenomenon… You tend not to switch off and bring your work home with you.

I must admit that I am guilty of this. All your problems and stress go home with you and becomes the topic of discussion for the next couple of hours… If this happens enough, then you end up complaining about work to the other person in your life, and you are perceived as negative. To the point where the other person dreads you coming home, because “what went wrong today and what is the next complaint about”.

Even if you do not do this, you still end up worrying about work and your workload for the next day. Which is a distraction and you are not being attentive to your loved ones. The stress of work will affect your mood at home too. Your emotions will not be conducive to a loving environment, and if your significant other is attentive, they will pick up on it.

The solution is easy, but hard to maintain. You need to leave work at work. Once you get home you are in a safe space that exists outside of work and should be spent with loved ones. Even if you need to get a punching bag or a form of sport to work out all your stress first, before you enjoy the company of your loved ones, then do it.

A lot to think about, and a lot of changes may need to happen to bring this about…

But if you take it one day at a time, and concentrate on only getting it right for that day, it will eventually become habit and your home life will be much easier… for you and your loved ones.

I will give you my all

I will give you my all...

Do we really understand what that means?

This has always been a simple phrase in my mind, one that makes sense in a relationship that is serious. It simply means that you will try and work hard everyday to be the person the significant other needs. You will be there for them, laugh with them, cry with them... you get the point...

But with age comes a bit more wisdom, and I finally understand what this means. And also with a bit of help from Silverjade for spiritual and life guidance.
It really does mean you will give them everything.
The first part of what I said is still true, you will be everything for that other person. But giving everything also has a dark side. It means they get all your bad habits too, all your foul mood days. You will obviously try to be as nice as possible at all times, but everyone has an off day now and then. So that means the significant other gets that too.

Now I really suggest that you only commit to this level in a serious relationship, commit to the point of giving the other person your all. If you are lucky, and so few of us are, you will find your soul mate. The one person that will accept who you are. Really accept all of who you are. If that happens, you don't need to be changing yourself to be the person the other needs. You can just be you. And that is good enough for the other.

And with this level of acceptance comes a deeper understanding of true love. A love where you are free. Free to be and do what you want, and in return letting the other person be who they are meant to be. And with this freedom comes a sense of belonging. a sense that you are both free but choose the other person to share your life with.

"I will give you my all" is a lot deeper than I originally thought, and hopefully some day all my readers can feel this feeling of giving all you have to another... the good, the bad... everything.

Faith and Fear

In a new relationship everything is shiny and new. You are in a dreamworld where everything is hazed out by your new found feelings. But after a couple of weeks your own insecurities start showing.
You start seeing things a little differently. You worry about what the other person really thinks of you, and if you are good enough.
This has been part of my past experiences.
I have over simplified the statement above to get to the point. Even if you do feel good enough, but you have other insecurities, the cracks will start showing. This is what everyone calls "baggage".
These are you your own problems and fears that you carry around with you.
And from what I have seen it manifests in the strangest ways. For instance, you could feel like you are sharing everything about yourself with a soul-mate, but it might feel like the other person isn't sharing with you. I suspect that the sharing happens in both directions, and that you manifest your own fear of rejection onto the other person. Fear of sharing and not being accepted. Fear of opening too much and getting hurt.
In most relationships we are in, or see around us, there is a common denominator. People are never talking enough, there is not enough communication. And I dont mean the standard run of the mill chats with friends and loved ones. I mean honest talk about how we really feel. And I suspect it all comes down to fear. What someone else will think of you if you open up.

Silverjade once told me that one can not grow in fear, but only in faith.
And in this sense I do not mean faith as in religion, but blind faith in yourself in in another person that things will turn out the way they should. I am talking about trust in this sense too. If a child jumps from a table into you arms with their eyes closed, they trust that you will catch them. But that trust runs deeper then that, it is a blind faith that no matter what, you will catch them.

This is what we should be like ion a new relationship. You should have blind faith that the other person will catch you. You should have blind faith that the other person is  going to be there, and be there for you no matter what. You should have blind faith that your love is reciprocated.

And most importantly you should have blind faith in yourself. You should know that you are worthy having around. You should know that the other person, as important as they are, is not as important as yourself. It is easy to "lose" yourself in a new relationship. And in that you lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. If you have fears about something, talk about it and share the fear. In talking about it the fear will most probably disappear. If you fear that the "bubble" is going to burst, that the other person will all of a sudden change their mind, remember faith. Trust the other person with your fall.

And always remember, Grow in faith, not fear.
Be yourself at all times.

Inter relationship power sturggles

My topics all seem to flow into each other. And this is purely because of how I perceive my surroundings and how I learn more every day.

So today’s experience / lesson is about how we change for another person.

I have made some new friends in the last couple of months, and watching their interactions with loved ones has given me a new perspective on relationships.

Why is it that one person will always back down from a fight?

Why is it that one person will change their thinking and the way they react for another person?

Does it mean that person loves the other more? I think not. I think you get two types of people in a relationship. The people pleasers and the rocks.

Please note that this is an over simplification, and that there are many variants, but for the purposes of this blog, I am focusing on what I think are the two main personalities.

Silverjade, who has helped me understand the intricacies of relationships and has helped me through a lot of life changes, will hopefully agree with me.

Firstly, the rocks:

They are the immovable objects. They end up usually being the “rock” in the relationship. For them to be the rock, they cannot waiver. They cannot go back on any decisions or choices. That would show weakness and a flaw in the rock. It will damage the relationship because the foundation (rock) isn’t strong enough to support both people.

The rocks are normally the ones that do not falter, and appear to be strong at all times. You will never see them show wild emotions. Everything is always controlled.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am saying that these people are needed at times, and I don’t want it to sound like they are emotionless creatures that want to dominate at all times. This is not the case, and I suspect that they are vulnerable at times and also prone to self-doubt.

Secondly, the people pleasers:

I myself fall under this category. You feel that you would do anything to make the people around you happy, and even more so for the one you love. The problem with this attitude is you end up molding yourself around the other person’s life. You become what they need you to be. Or at least what you think they need you to be. While you are becoming what you think is needed in the relationship, you end up losing yourself. I know, I have done this before. And in doing so, the other person invariably falls out of love with you, because you are not the person that they once met.

Losing yourself for the sake of another is the biggest mistake one can make.

These blogs are my journey back to becoming myself, after a relationship where I changed. Where I thought I was being what the relationship and the other person needed.

Again, don’t misunderstand, as I am sure some of you reading will see the pleasers as weak willed and always bending to other peoples wills. Not true. We choose to change for the better of a relationship. We are like a young sapling tree, still able to twist and bend in the wind. But definitely not weak.

Now for my opinion on this subject, and my solution.

I think that society has forced us to fit into these roles, as this is the “norm” and how we should deal with everyday life.

We either have to be the rocks, or the pleasers.

I say no. Be perfectly you. Be the only thing you can be.

You.

Be the rock at times, be the pleaser when it is required. But be yourself. That way both parties in the relationship can support each other and be a unit that can grow in love. That no challenge can’t be overcome by working together.

By changing this one dynamic in a relationship, there is no more power struggle. No one will have to hold the relationship up, and no one will have to  change who they are in the relationship.

Future Fluid

There are no guarantees in life.
This is the topic I would like to cover today. From past experience and present situations, I have come up with this conclusion, as many other have.
Life will always throw us curve balls. Most of us don't like it, because it changes the path we are on, and we have to make difficult decisions. We also then have to accept that we are not really in control of our destiny, and as humans, we rebel against that.
We always plan these perfect futures. You decide to immigrate, and your whole world revolves around that decision. You decide to go for a new job, a new house, a better car... All the decision you make are based on the goal you have in mind. And then life hits you with that good 'ole curve ball.
So, what do you do?
I know what I tend to do most often then not... I run and hide.
Like a little girl that is scared of the dark. And that is normal. We all fear change to some extent.
But you know what? Plans change daily for everyone. Imagine it didn't though. That would make for a very boring world and life.
So, lets change (again, something we don't like) the way we think. Take a risk on a new path.
And here is where I get to my point. For anyone out there in a new relationship, this might be good advice I learnt.
Neither person can guarantee that they wont hurt the other person. Again, we don't know what the future holds. Neither can guarantee a specific future. If one person was planning to move to another city, and love hits them full in the face, they might change their mind. I know I would. I would reconsider my entire future I had mapped out for a chance at love. Why isn't that future still a possibility to some extent? Maybe it includes the new person in your life, and maybe the plan you had will be so much better for it.
Neither person can guarantee that the new relationship will last forever. We all know the divorce rate statistics nowadays. I have an opinion about that too, but that will have to be an entire blog on its own.
But one thing that can be promised, is the fact that both can try to be the best that they are. Not the best for the other person, as that would change them and invariably destroy the relationship. But just be themselves to the best of their abilities.
Be an awesome partner in crime. Someone who will be your rock, so that you can be the ground beneath. Both taking on responsibilities and sharing everything.
Both can be honest at all times.

Both can believe that trying is better than giving up on a possible, yet frightening new future. Not the future you had planned, but the future that will possibly enhance your life.

With this insight, we usually also find our self doubt. The little voice that says "I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough. What happens if I get hurt again?"
If you are one of these people, and I assume there are a lot out t here, then know the following:
You have been hurt before, and you survived. your track record for surviving is 100%. Also know that the other person is also taking the same risks, and most probably has the same fears.
As far as looks and intellect goes, that is simple to answer. The other person has most probably shown interest in some form or another. That should tell you that they like you (maybe even more than like) the way you are. Something in you has already attracted them to you.
And looking at "being good enough"? I have no real insight here, as up until recently I have felt that I could never be good enough for someone else. But Silverjade has helped me understand that by being who you are, truly being you, you will be good enough. By being perfectly you, the term being good enough no longer applies, as you are good enough on your own, and for yourself.

In the end, these are in my humble opinion, still just elements in our fear of the unknown and of the change. The change where we cannot see the ending.

I am still struggling with this fear, and learning to cope with it, and accept the changes I cannot control. And accept the changes that might enhance my life, with the risk of being let down.

New Endings

The title is a bit confusing I know. This is more about how one feels after a relationship ends, and the excitement of new beginnings.

You tend to find yourself in a very weird place after a long term relationship. The place where you are full of hopes and dreams for the future, trying to find yourself and your feet all in one go. But at the same time, you are sad and alone. It is hard knowing that a good portion of your life was spent on a relationship that ended. I would even go so far in saying, that you sometimes don't even miss the person anymore, but just the feeling of belonging and being loved.

This is where my Intimate Cuddling blog ties in. You need some connection with another human being to cope.

Again, you are in this weird space, where you want to move on, but your own mind is blocking you. This block is most of the time your own doing. Either you are waiting for the other person to “change their mind” and come back to you, or you are afraid of the change that is happening and will happen in the future. I fall under the latter category. I have always adapted well to small changes in my life, but the big things… that’s another story. Losing a loved one, moving house, death, all of these things are seen as life changing and in my opinion can be very scary.

On this matter I am still conflicted with no clear answer. I am still in a holding pattern, waiting to accept the changes in my life. Every single day is a challenge, and a new form of acceptance. And every day it gets a little bit better. The help of friends and family goes a long way to the healing process. Even though this is not the Intimate Cuddling I speak of, it is a form of human connection. It is the connection which affirms our own self-worth.

This is another  topic altogether. The assignment of self-worth based on the opinions of others. I will cover this topic in another blog in the future.

In the near future, the only feeling that will be left is the excitement of things to come.

Parental Illusions

Topic for today is on parenting.

For those who know me, I am not a parent. But I have been around friends and family long enough to form my own opinion on the subject of parenting.

To get to the point I am trying to make today I have to tell a little story first.

I was lucky enough to spend a weekend recently with a dear friend. This friend has a little 6 year old. During the weekend I was able to closely watch the interaction between parent and child, and also the interaction of the grandparents and child / grand-child. It is fascinating to watch how a six year old child can grasp the nature of adult interactions, and the conclusions they come to. The things that children say are priceless, and you start suspecting that they aren’t as clueless as most people think. All of this was fascinating, but the best is to see the trust they have in their family. And yes I am talking about the whole “trust fall” scenario, but it is more than that. When they are sad or hurt, they will immediately go to a parent, who they know will comfort them. There is no doubt in their minds that this parent will comfort them. I am lucky enough to have had this growing up, and even more so that I had two parents who did this for me.

On to the next amazing thing that happened over the span of three days. I have seen and interacted with the child in question over the last couple of months, but it was always limited. But being around someone for a couple of days in a row will obviously change the way you interact and react to another person. What was astounding and frightening at the same time was the trust that built up over the course of the three days. From not really knowing a person to laughing and joking, even playing in the pool, to comforting when hurt. This is what life is about.

On to my own personal feelings about this. The three days made me realise two things. The first is that I now know that I want to be a father. Watching the daily interactions between parent and child is mesmerizing. And yes, I am including the temper tantrums, the difficulties when they are naughty, or tired and grumpy, not just the happy times. All of the interactions are what forms a young mind, keeps them open to new ideas.  The fact that I am now for all intents and purposes single again makes having a child a bit problematic. But it is something that can be rectified by consciously deciding to date again, and eventually (hopefully) fall in love again and move on with life.

The second realisation requires more background. If you haven’t picked up on this yet, the friend in question is divorced. The father has visitation rights to the child. And this is where I am saddened. Why when you have brought a child into this world, and have so many amazing opportunities to learn and grow with your child, would you choose not to spend every waking moment with that child?

I understand that there are circumstances in life that prevent this from happening, but when you have a chance to be with your child, don’t leave them with family and go out with friends. It’s a small amount of time spent with the child that will help them form the relationship bonds that they require as children. The bonds that will teach them what selfless love is.

I am not a parent, so maybe I have no right to say anything, but this is my opinion for what its worth.

Self realisation and the terror of moving on

Self realisation sucks.  Especially when you notice something that you have been hiding. Even from yourself. Some back story is in order for this to make sense.

I am getting divorced. It is in the final stages, and still no easier to deal with.

Friends and family have been asking me if I have “moved on”. Now this is fairly easy to interpret. They mean have I had my rebound. And the answer is no. As I am not divorced yet, I will not do anything to break the promise that I made. At least this is what I tell everyone, and please don’t get me wrong. This is a reason why I haven’t moved on yet. It is not THE reason. And this is where self realisation is a bitch. I finally figured out why I haven’t moved on.

I am terrified.

There, I said it. I am so scared of another relationship, that I have not made any attempt to speak to anyone of the opposite sex. At least not any meaningful conversation with someone that I don’t know.

I have a couple of friends that I can be open with, and we can joke and laugh about anything, but I keep myself locked in those friendships. And that is it. They are friendships. I have friend zoned myself.

Now, as I said, I am still new to the idea of not being married anymore. And most people I know push for me to move on, because it will be good for me. I disagree… partly… Maybe I need to clarify why any sort of relationship would terrify me. I am not pushing blame on anyone. A lot of how I feel has got to do with my own mindset, and the events over a couple of years that got me to this point. I am terrified that I will not be good enough (queue Sarah Mclachlan song…). In a physical and mental relationship I am terrified that I won’t live up to any ideological standards of a “man”. And I certainly don’t want to start a relationship while in this frame of mind.

But here is the conundrum. As I am lead to believe, I will not change the way I feel about a relationship, until I have had another brief but wild relationship. You know the one that makes you feel important again. The one that makes you feel worthy of love and being able to move on.

So, I wont move on because of how I feel, but to change the way I feel, I need to move on…

My only response to that statement would be “aww hell…”

So after all of this I still don’t have an answer, but strangely I feel a lot better about my subconscious decisions.