Love, Work, and working on love

This article is two-fold.

The old saying “Working on or at love” and the idea of work (as a profession) and the concept of love.

I would like to start with the former.

The saying that one has to work on love, or rather more aptly work at loving someone…

This is a concept that I have always heard of but never understood.

What does it really mean?

My latest epiphany is that one does not really work on love. Love exists and is a lot of times unexpected.

You don’t have to work on the “love” part itself, that will be there.

What you do have to work on, is the little things concerning love.

In my personal life, this means paying attention to the other person and what they are saying. It means remembering the small details and important dates.

This is something that does not happen easily for me. I believe that the human race is self-centered and the main driving force for us is survival. This doesn’t mean we are the old “hunter gatherers” from times of old. But we do want to live better, and we drive ourselves forward with this in mind. A lot of us will do this for another person. By getting a better job, you can support your family more easily. But in a sense we are doing it for ourselves. We are selfish.

But by doing something for someone else, not because you should, but because you can… now that is “working” on love…

By remembering little details and commenting on them later, by spending time with that person and not being distracted by Tv, or you phone… that is “working” on love.

By finding out what the other person likes to eat, and surprising them with it… its these little things that make a big difference in how your relationship will grow.

Now this goes hand in hand with another topic for me, and one that I am guilty of.

We are all in an age driven by our careers. Work for a lot of us has become an all-consuming thing, with standard work hours ranging from 8-14 hours a day. With these hours comes the stress of performance, and this also brings about another phenomenon… You tend not to switch off and bring your work home with you.

I must admit that I am guilty of this. All your problems and stress go home with you and becomes the topic of discussion for the next couple of hours… If this happens enough, then you end up complaining about work to the other person in your life, and you are perceived as negative. To the point where the other person dreads you coming home, because “what went wrong today and what is the next complaint about”.

Even if you do not do this, you still end up worrying about work and your workload for the next day. Which is a distraction and you are not being attentive to your loved ones. The stress of work will affect your mood at home too. Your emotions will not be conducive to a loving environment, and if your significant other is attentive, they will pick up on it.

The solution is easy, but hard to maintain. You need to leave work at work. Once you get home you are in a safe space that exists outside of work and should be spent with loved ones. Even if you need to get a punching bag or a form of sport to work out all your stress first, before you enjoy the company of your loved ones, then do it.

A lot to think about, and a lot of changes may need to happen to bring this about…

But if you take it one day at a time, and concentrate on only getting it right for that day, it will eventually become habit and your home life will be much easier… for you and your loved ones.

I will give you my all

I will give you my all...

Do we really understand what that means?

This has always been a simple phrase in my mind, one that makes sense in a relationship that is serious. It simply means that you will try and work hard everyday to be the person the significant other needs. You will be there for them, laugh with them, cry with them... you get the point...

But with age comes a bit more wisdom, and I finally understand what this means. And also with a bit of help from Silverjade for spiritual and life guidance.
It really does mean you will give them everything.
The first part of what I said is still true, you will be everything for that other person. But giving everything also has a dark side. It means they get all your bad habits too, all your foul mood days. You will obviously try to be as nice as possible at all times, but everyone has an off day now and then. So that means the significant other gets that too.

Now I really suggest that you only commit to this level in a serious relationship, commit to the point of giving the other person your all. If you are lucky, and so few of us are, you will find your soul mate. The one person that will accept who you are. Really accept all of who you are. If that happens, you don't need to be changing yourself to be the person the other needs. You can just be you. And that is good enough for the other.

And with this level of acceptance comes a deeper understanding of true love. A love where you are free. Free to be and do what you want, and in return letting the other person be who they are meant to be. And with this freedom comes a sense of belonging. a sense that you are both free but choose the other person to share your life with.

"I will give you my all" is a lot deeper than I originally thought, and hopefully some day all my readers can feel this feeling of giving all you have to another... the good, the bad... everything.

Faith and Fear

In a new relationship everything is shiny and new. You are in a dreamworld where everything is hazed out by your new found feelings. But after a couple of weeks your own insecurities start showing.
You start seeing things a little differently. You worry about what the other person really thinks of you, and if you are good enough.
This has been part of my past experiences.
I have over simplified the statement above to get to the point. Even if you do feel good enough, but you have other insecurities, the cracks will start showing. This is what everyone calls "baggage".
These are you your own problems and fears that you carry around with you.
And from what I have seen it manifests in the strangest ways. For instance, you could feel like you are sharing everything about yourself with a soul-mate, but it might feel like the other person isn't sharing with you. I suspect that the sharing happens in both directions, and that you manifest your own fear of rejection onto the other person. Fear of sharing and not being accepted. Fear of opening too much and getting hurt.
In most relationships we are in, or see around us, there is a common denominator. People are never talking enough, there is not enough communication. And I dont mean the standard run of the mill chats with friends and loved ones. I mean honest talk about how we really feel. And I suspect it all comes down to fear. What someone else will think of you if you open up.

Silverjade once told me that one can not grow in fear, but only in faith.
And in this sense I do not mean faith as in religion, but blind faith in yourself in in another person that things will turn out the way they should. I am talking about trust in this sense too. If a child jumps from a table into you arms with their eyes closed, they trust that you will catch them. But that trust runs deeper then that, it is a blind faith that no matter what, you will catch them.

This is what we should be like ion a new relationship. You should have blind faith that the other person will catch you. You should have blind faith that the other person is  going to be there, and be there for you no matter what. You should have blind faith that your love is reciprocated.

And most importantly you should have blind faith in yourself. You should know that you are worthy having around. You should know that the other person, as important as they are, is not as important as yourself. It is easy to "lose" yourself in a new relationship. And in that you lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. If you have fears about something, talk about it and share the fear. In talking about it the fear will most probably disappear. If you fear that the "bubble" is going to burst, that the other person will all of a sudden change their mind, remember faith. Trust the other person with your fall.

And always remember, Grow in faith, not fear.
Be yourself at all times.