Love, Work, and working on love

This article is two-fold.

The old saying “Working on or at love” and the idea of work (as a profession) and the concept of love.

I would like to start with the former.

The saying that one has to work on love, or rather more aptly work at loving someone…

This is a concept that I have always heard of but never understood.

What does it really mean?

My latest epiphany is that one does not really work on love. Love exists and is a lot of times unexpected.

You don’t have to work on the “love” part itself, that will be there.

What you do have to work on, is the little things concerning love.

In my personal life, this means paying attention to the other person and what they are saying. It means remembering the small details and important dates.

This is something that does not happen easily for me. I believe that the human race is self-centered and the main driving force for us is survival. This doesn’t mean we are the old “hunter gatherers” from times of old. But we do want to live better, and we drive ourselves forward with this in mind. A lot of us will do this for another person. By getting a better job, you can support your family more easily. But in a sense we are doing it for ourselves. We are selfish.

But by doing something for someone else, not because you should, but because you can… now that is “working” on love…

By remembering little details and commenting on them later, by spending time with that person and not being distracted by Tv, or you phone… that is “working” on love.

By finding out what the other person likes to eat, and surprising them with it… its these little things that make a big difference in how your relationship will grow.

Now this goes hand in hand with another topic for me, and one that I am guilty of.

We are all in an age driven by our careers. Work for a lot of us has become an all-consuming thing, with standard work hours ranging from 8-14 hours a day. With these hours comes the stress of performance, and this also brings about another phenomenon… You tend not to switch off and bring your work home with you.

I must admit that I am guilty of this. All your problems and stress go home with you and becomes the topic of discussion for the next couple of hours… If this happens enough, then you end up complaining about work to the other person in your life, and you are perceived as negative. To the point where the other person dreads you coming home, because “what went wrong today and what is the next complaint about”.

Even if you do not do this, you still end up worrying about work and your workload for the next day. Which is a distraction and you are not being attentive to your loved ones. The stress of work will affect your mood at home too. Your emotions will not be conducive to a loving environment, and if your significant other is attentive, they will pick up on it.

The solution is easy, but hard to maintain. You need to leave work at work. Once you get home you are in a safe space that exists outside of work and should be spent with loved ones. Even if you need to get a punching bag or a form of sport to work out all your stress first, before you enjoy the company of your loved ones, then do it.

A lot to think about, and a lot of changes may need to happen to bring this about…

But if you take it one day at a time, and concentrate on only getting it right for that day, it will eventually become habit and your home life will be much easier… for you and your loved ones.

Faith and Fear

In a new relationship everything is shiny and new. You are in a dreamworld where everything is hazed out by your new found feelings. But after a couple of weeks your own insecurities start showing.
You start seeing things a little differently. You worry about what the other person really thinks of you, and if you are good enough.
This has been part of my past experiences.
I have over simplified the statement above to get to the point. Even if you do feel good enough, but you have other insecurities, the cracks will start showing. This is what everyone calls "baggage".
These are you your own problems and fears that you carry around with you.
And from what I have seen it manifests in the strangest ways. For instance, you could feel like you are sharing everything about yourself with a soul-mate, but it might feel like the other person isn't sharing with you. I suspect that the sharing happens in both directions, and that you manifest your own fear of rejection onto the other person. Fear of sharing and not being accepted. Fear of opening too much and getting hurt.
In most relationships we are in, or see around us, there is a common denominator. People are never talking enough, there is not enough communication. And I dont mean the standard run of the mill chats with friends and loved ones. I mean honest talk about how we really feel. And I suspect it all comes down to fear. What someone else will think of you if you open up.

Silverjade once told me that one can not grow in fear, but only in faith.
And in this sense I do not mean faith as in religion, but blind faith in yourself in in another person that things will turn out the way they should. I am talking about trust in this sense too. If a child jumps from a table into you arms with their eyes closed, they trust that you will catch them. But that trust runs deeper then that, it is a blind faith that no matter what, you will catch them.

This is what we should be like ion a new relationship. You should have blind faith that the other person will catch you. You should have blind faith that the other person is  going to be there, and be there for you no matter what. You should have blind faith that your love is reciprocated.

And most importantly you should have blind faith in yourself. You should know that you are worthy having around. You should know that the other person, as important as they are, is not as important as yourself. It is easy to "lose" yourself in a new relationship. And in that you lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. If you have fears about something, talk about it and share the fear. In talking about it the fear will most probably disappear. If you fear that the "bubble" is going to burst, that the other person will all of a sudden change their mind, remember faith. Trust the other person with your fall.

And always remember, Grow in faith, not fear.
Be yourself at all times.

Future Fluid

There are no guarantees in life.
This is the topic I would like to cover today. From past experience and present situations, I have come up with this conclusion, as many other have.
Life will always throw us curve balls. Most of us don't like it, because it changes the path we are on, and we have to make difficult decisions. We also then have to accept that we are not really in control of our destiny, and as humans, we rebel against that.
We always plan these perfect futures. You decide to immigrate, and your whole world revolves around that decision. You decide to go for a new job, a new house, a better car... All the decision you make are based on the goal you have in mind. And then life hits you with that good 'ole curve ball.
So, what do you do?
I know what I tend to do most often then not... I run and hide.
Like a little girl that is scared of the dark. And that is normal. We all fear change to some extent.
But you know what? Plans change daily for everyone. Imagine it didn't though. That would make for a very boring world and life.
So, lets change (again, something we don't like) the way we think. Take a risk on a new path.
And here is where I get to my point. For anyone out there in a new relationship, this might be good advice I learnt.
Neither person can guarantee that they wont hurt the other person. Again, we don't know what the future holds. Neither can guarantee a specific future. If one person was planning to move to another city, and love hits them full in the face, they might change their mind. I know I would. I would reconsider my entire future I had mapped out for a chance at love. Why isn't that future still a possibility to some extent? Maybe it includes the new person in your life, and maybe the plan you had will be so much better for it.
Neither person can guarantee that the new relationship will last forever. We all know the divorce rate statistics nowadays. I have an opinion about that too, but that will have to be an entire blog on its own.
But one thing that can be promised, is the fact that both can try to be the best that they are. Not the best for the other person, as that would change them and invariably destroy the relationship. But just be themselves to the best of their abilities.
Be an awesome partner in crime. Someone who will be your rock, so that you can be the ground beneath. Both taking on responsibilities and sharing everything.
Both can be honest at all times.

Both can believe that trying is better than giving up on a possible, yet frightening new future. Not the future you had planned, but the future that will possibly enhance your life.

With this insight, we usually also find our self doubt. The little voice that says "I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough. What happens if I get hurt again?"
If you are one of these people, and I assume there are a lot out t here, then know the following:
You have been hurt before, and you survived. your track record for surviving is 100%. Also know that the other person is also taking the same risks, and most probably has the same fears.
As far as looks and intellect goes, that is simple to answer. The other person has most probably shown interest in some form or another. That should tell you that they like you (maybe even more than like) the way you are. Something in you has already attracted them to you.
And looking at "being good enough"? I have no real insight here, as up until recently I have felt that I could never be good enough for someone else. But Silverjade has helped me understand that by being who you are, truly being you, you will be good enough. By being perfectly you, the term being good enough no longer applies, as you are good enough on your own, and for yourself.

In the end, these are in my humble opinion, still just elements in our fear of the unknown and of the change. The change where we cannot see the ending.

I am still struggling with this fear, and learning to cope with it, and accept the changes I cannot control. And accept the changes that might enhance my life, with the risk of being let down.