Faith and Fear

In a new relationship everything is shiny and new. You are in a dreamworld where everything is hazed out by your new found feelings. But after a couple of weeks your own insecurities start showing.
You start seeing things a little differently. You worry about what the other person really thinks of you, and if you are good enough.
This has been part of my past experiences.
I have over simplified the statement above to get to the point. Even if you do feel good enough, but you have other insecurities, the cracks will start showing. This is what everyone calls "baggage".
These are you your own problems and fears that you carry around with you.
And from what I have seen it manifests in the strangest ways. For instance, you could feel like you are sharing everything about yourself with a soul-mate, but it might feel like the other person isn't sharing with you. I suspect that the sharing happens in both directions, and that you manifest your own fear of rejection onto the other person. Fear of sharing and not being accepted. Fear of opening too much and getting hurt.
In most relationships we are in, or see around us, there is a common denominator. People are never talking enough, there is not enough communication. And I dont mean the standard run of the mill chats with friends and loved ones. I mean honest talk about how we really feel. And I suspect it all comes down to fear. What someone else will think of you if you open up.

Silverjade once told me that one can not grow in fear, but only in faith.
And in this sense I do not mean faith as in religion, but blind faith in yourself in in another person that things will turn out the way they should. I am talking about trust in this sense too. If a child jumps from a table into you arms with their eyes closed, they trust that you will catch them. But that trust runs deeper then that, it is a blind faith that no matter what, you will catch them.

This is what we should be like ion a new relationship. You should have blind faith that the other person will catch you. You should have blind faith that the other person is  going to be there, and be there for you no matter what. You should have blind faith that your love is reciprocated.

And most importantly you should have blind faith in yourself. You should know that you are worthy having around. You should know that the other person, as important as they are, is not as important as yourself. It is easy to "lose" yourself in a new relationship. And in that you lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. If you have fears about something, talk about it and share the fear. In talking about it the fear will most probably disappear. If you fear that the "bubble" is going to burst, that the other person will all of a sudden change their mind, remember faith. Trust the other person with your fall.

And always remember, Grow in faith, not fear.
Be yourself at all times.

Inter relationship power sturggles

My topics all seem to flow into each other. And this is purely because of how I perceive my surroundings and how I learn more every day.

So today’s experience / lesson is about how we change for another person.

I have made some new friends in the last couple of months, and watching their interactions with loved ones has given me a new perspective on relationships.

Why is it that one person will always back down from a fight?

Why is it that one person will change their thinking and the way they react for another person?

Does it mean that person loves the other more? I think not. I think you get two types of people in a relationship. The people pleasers and the rocks.

Please note that this is an over simplification, and that there are many variants, but for the purposes of this blog, I am focusing on what I think are the two main personalities.

Silverjade, who has helped me understand the intricacies of relationships and has helped me through a lot of life changes, will hopefully agree with me.

Firstly, the rocks:

They are the immovable objects. They end up usually being the “rock” in the relationship. For them to be the rock, they cannot waiver. They cannot go back on any decisions or choices. That would show weakness and a flaw in the rock. It will damage the relationship because the foundation (rock) isn’t strong enough to support both people.

The rocks are normally the ones that do not falter, and appear to be strong at all times. You will never see them show wild emotions. Everything is always controlled.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am saying that these people are needed at times, and I don’t want it to sound like they are emotionless creatures that want to dominate at all times. This is not the case, and I suspect that they are vulnerable at times and also prone to self-doubt.

Secondly, the people pleasers:

I myself fall under this category. You feel that you would do anything to make the people around you happy, and even more so for the one you love. The problem with this attitude is you end up molding yourself around the other person’s life. You become what they need you to be. Or at least what you think they need you to be. While you are becoming what you think is needed in the relationship, you end up losing yourself. I know, I have done this before. And in doing so, the other person invariably falls out of love with you, because you are not the person that they once met.

Losing yourself for the sake of another is the biggest mistake one can make.

These blogs are my journey back to becoming myself, after a relationship where I changed. Where I thought I was being what the relationship and the other person needed.

Again, don’t misunderstand, as I am sure some of you reading will see the pleasers as weak willed and always bending to other peoples wills. Not true. We choose to change for the better of a relationship. We are like a young sapling tree, still able to twist and bend in the wind. But definitely not weak.

Now for my opinion on this subject, and my solution.

I think that society has forced us to fit into these roles, as this is the “norm” and how we should deal with everyday life.

We either have to be the rocks, or the pleasers.

I say no. Be perfectly you. Be the only thing you can be.

You.

Be the rock at times, be the pleaser when it is required. But be yourself. That way both parties in the relationship can support each other and be a unit that can grow in love. That no challenge can’t be overcome by working together.

By changing this one dynamic in a relationship, there is no more power struggle. No one will have to hold the relationship up, and no one will have to  change who they are in the relationship.

New Endings

The title is a bit confusing I know. This is more about how one feels after a relationship ends, and the excitement of new beginnings.

You tend to find yourself in a very weird place after a long term relationship. The place where you are full of hopes and dreams for the future, trying to find yourself and your feet all in one go. But at the same time, you are sad and alone. It is hard knowing that a good portion of your life was spent on a relationship that ended. I would even go so far in saying, that you sometimes don't even miss the person anymore, but just the feeling of belonging and being loved.

This is where my Intimate Cuddling blog ties in. You need some connection with another human being to cope.

Again, you are in this weird space, where you want to move on, but your own mind is blocking you. This block is most of the time your own doing. Either you are waiting for the other person to “change their mind” and come back to you, or you are afraid of the change that is happening and will happen in the future. I fall under the latter category. I have always adapted well to small changes in my life, but the big things… that’s another story. Losing a loved one, moving house, death, all of these things are seen as life changing and in my opinion can be very scary.

On this matter I am still conflicted with no clear answer. I am still in a holding pattern, waiting to accept the changes in my life. Every single day is a challenge, and a new form of acceptance. And every day it gets a little bit better. The help of friends and family goes a long way to the healing process. Even though this is not the Intimate Cuddling I speak of, it is a form of human connection. It is the connection which affirms our own self-worth.

This is another  topic altogether. The assignment of self-worth based on the opinions of others. I will cover this topic in another blog in the future.

In the near future, the only feeling that will be left is the excitement of things to come.

Flight of the Crow

When faced with difficult situations, I tend to find a dark space in my head and hide there. It’s a form of protection. And I am not saying it’s the smartest thing to do, but it is what I do.

Knowing you are in this dark space is one thing. But getting out is another thing altogether. My sister says that when faced with trouble she "chooses" not to be in a dark space. It is a skill I have not mastered yet. I always need an external source to lift me up. This is where I assign a "supernatural" element to random things around me, as a means of escape.

I have always attached this "supernatural" element to crows. At least in my own mind they are special. I always had a sense that if I see a crow, that there is a message in the seeing of the crow. What it is doing, and how it reacts can tell me something about how I feel.

So keeping that in mind, I needed a message a couple of days ago. And I got it.

I understand that logically I saw the message I wanted to see, that there is no supernatural component to what I saw, but I also keep this little tiny spark alive inside me that it could be more than that.

In the sky not far from me, was a standard black crow. But for a couple of minutes I was completely engrossed by its flight. I focused particularly on the movement of its wings. The way it would make slight adjustments in its glide. The way the feathers ruffle and shift with every gust of wind. The tail twisting and accommodating the new direction of wind. Watching this crow balance on a gust of air was a very intimate moment.

In that moment I realised that I am trying to make headway through my situation. As if I am trying to fly into a strong wind. It is tiring without any real forward movement. I should be moving like this crow. I should rise above the winds. I should use it to glide. Any gusts of wind should not disturb my flight, as I can make small adjustments to stay above it. It shouldn't bring me down. I should use it to get above the problem, to see it from a new perspective. Only in this strategy can I have any personal growth.

Intimate Cuddling

Why is it that after a breakup, we all look for sex with the first person that we see?

Why do we go back for that "break-up" sex?

These are questions that have always plagued me. And even more so now, as I do not understand why I don't feel the same. I am supposed to want sex from a random stranger. I am supposed to drop my inhibitions and my standards. I joke with friends about pretty girls, I joke about sex... Why does it feel wrong though?

Is it that I am still "married" in my head? Maybe.

One thing that has become clear only very recently, is another need that overrides sex.

Intimacy. That is what I want. A friend mentioned that he wants someone to cuddle with. This resonated with me. And the realisation dawned on me that what I am really after is the intimacy. There is no need for sex at this point in my growth. My first order of business should be cuddles. Now with this revelation comes a whole series of unanswered questions.

I don't profess to understand it all yet, but I do have some suspicions. I believe I need to feel safe in the presence of a woman again. To know that I am wanted. Not as a sex toy. Not as a means to a carnal need. But really wanted. Please understand that my current mindset is not created by my ex-lover, but of my own creation. I made myself feel that way. I suspect as a means to protect myself.

Feeling safe is now my goal. How to achieve it? That my friends I cannot answer yet.

Life changing events

Some close friends know that I am going through a divorce at the moment. It is all amicable and only a few harsh words have been said...
But amicable or not, it is still a rough time for me.
I am attempting to share my feelings on this matter, so that others (you the reader) can learn from my mistakes, and further grow as individuals.
I have given much thought to the last 10 years of my life and tried to access every decision, and there is only one conclusion. I sacrificed my happiness for the happiness of another.
The funny yet sad part is that this was done willingly, albeit unknowingly.
Every day you give a bit more of yourself, and you don't realize what you are giving up to do that.
I put her on the pedestal, and did all I could to keep her there.
None of this is her fault though, as I said, this was done willingly.

Even now (three months after the start of the end), it still seems surreal, and I am still "married" in my head. Something I am trying to change.
Doing this is harder than it seems, as I am trying to change, in a short timespan, a decade long habit.
A friend of mine said that for every year of your relationship, the average person requires six months of recovery... I really do hope I am not the average person, and I like to believe I am smarter than the average bear, so to speak.

Another interesting matter to consider is your mental state at the start of the relationship and at the end. The same wise friend added that once you are divorced / separated, your brain takes you back to the last state it was in before you got emotionally involved. That means I am 24ish. The trick is, in my opinion, is to allow this change but to trick your brain into accepting your true age.
I have not perfected this trick yet, and that is my excuse for doing childish and age inappropriate things... and I am vehemently sticking to that excuse.

This soulsearch only leaves me with a vague sense of accomplishment and the need to feel better about my life decisions. I am still confused about the present, but feeling better about the future a little bit more everyday.
Admittedly, one lesson learned early on in life is to not regret your decisions, for they made you who you are. In this way you can be uniquely you. I am trying to be uniquely me everyday. I am a snowflake.

That is all I have to share at the moment, but look out for my next blog in a couple of days. I will still cover coping, friends, dating and bad habits in this series.