Love, Work, and working on love

This article is two-fold.

The old saying “Working on or at love” and the idea of work (as a profession) and the concept of love.

I would like to start with the former.

The saying that one has to work on love, or rather more aptly work at loving someone…

This is a concept that I have always heard of but never understood.

What does it really mean?

My latest epiphany is that one does not really work on love. Love exists and is a lot of times unexpected.

You don’t have to work on the “love” part itself, that will be there.

What you do have to work on, is the little things concerning love.

In my personal life, this means paying attention to the other person and what they are saying. It means remembering the small details and important dates.

This is something that does not happen easily for me. I believe that the human race is self-centered and the main driving force for us is survival. This doesn’t mean we are the old “hunter gatherers” from times of old. But we do want to live better, and we drive ourselves forward with this in mind. A lot of us will do this for another person. By getting a better job, you can support your family more easily. But in a sense we are doing it for ourselves. We are selfish.

But by doing something for someone else, not because you should, but because you can… now that is “working” on love…

By remembering little details and commenting on them later, by spending time with that person and not being distracted by Tv, or you phone… that is “working” on love.

By finding out what the other person likes to eat, and surprising them with it… its these little things that make a big difference in how your relationship will grow.

Now this goes hand in hand with another topic for me, and one that I am guilty of.

We are all in an age driven by our careers. Work for a lot of us has become an all-consuming thing, with standard work hours ranging from 8-14 hours a day. With these hours comes the stress of performance, and this also brings about another phenomenon… You tend not to switch off and bring your work home with you.

I must admit that I am guilty of this. All your problems and stress go home with you and becomes the topic of discussion for the next couple of hours… If this happens enough, then you end up complaining about work to the other person in your life, and you are perceived as negative. To the point where the other person dreads you coming home, because “what went wrong today and what is the next complaint about”.

Even if you do not do this, you still end up worrying about work and your workload for the next day. Which is a distraction and you are not being attentive to your loved ones. The stress of work will affect your mood at home too. Your emotions will not be conducive to a loving environment, and if your significant other is attentive, they will pick up on it.

The solution is easy, but hard to maintain. You need to leave work at work. Once you get home you are in a safe space that exists outside of work and should be spent with loved ones. Even if you need to get a punching bag or a form of sport to work out all your stress first, before you enjoy the company of your loved ones, then do it.

A lot to think about, and a lot of changes may need to happen to bring this about…

But if you take it one day at a time, and concentrate on only getting it right for that day, it will eventually become habit and your home life will be much easier… for you and your loved ones.

Faith and Fear

In a new relationship everything is shiny and new. You are in a dreamworld where everything is hazed out by your new found feelings. But after a couple of weeks your own insecurities start showing.
You start seeing things a little differently. You worry about what the other person really thinks of you, and if you are good enough.
This has been part of my past experiences.
I have over simplified the statement above to get to the point. Even if you do feel good enough, but you have other insecurities, the cracks will start showing. This is what everyone calls "baggage".
These are you your own problems and fears that you carry around with you.
And from what I have seen it manifests in the strangest ways. For instance, you could feel like you are sharing everything about yourself with a soul-mate, but it might feel like the other person isn't sharing with you. I suspect that the sharing happens in both directions, and that you manifest your own fear of rejection onto the other person. Fear of sharing and not being accepted. Fear of opening too much and getting hurt.
In most relationships we are in, or see around us, there is a common denominator. People are never talking enough, there is not enough communication. And I dont mean the standard run of the mill chats with friends and loved ones. I mean honest talk about how we really feel. And I suspect it all comes down to fear. What someone else will think of you if you open up.

Silverjade once told me that one can not grow in fear, but only in faith.
And in this sense I do not mean faith as in religion, but blind faith in yourself in in another person that things will turn out the way they should. I am talking about trust in this sense too. If a child jumps from a table into you arms with their eyes closed, they trust that you will catch them. But that trust runs deeper then that, it is a blind faith that no matter what, you will catch them.

This is what we should be like ion a new relationship. You should have blind faith that the other person will catch you. You should have blind faith that the other person is  going to be there, and be there for you no matter what. You should have blind faith that your love is reciprocated.

And most importantly you should have blind faith in yourself. You should know that you are worthy having around. You should know that the other person, as important as they are, is not as important as yourself. It is easy to "lose" yourself in a new relationship. And in that you lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. If you have fears about something, talk about it and share the fear. In talking about it the fear will most probably disappear. If you fear that the "bubble" is going to burst, that the other person will all of a sudden change their mind, remember faith. Trust the other person with your fall.

And always remember, Grow in faith, not fear.
Be yourself at all times.

Inter relationship power sturggles

My topics all seem to flow into each other. And this is purely because of how I perceive my surroundings and how I learn more every day.

So today’s experience / lesson is about how we change for another person.

I have made some new friends in the last couple of months, and watching their interactions with loved ones has given me a new perspective on relationships.

Why is it that one person will always back down from a fight?

Why is it that one person will change their thinking and the way they react for another person?

Does it mean that person loves the other more? I think not. I think you get two types of people in a relationship. The people pleasers and the rocks.

Please note that this is an over simplification, and that there are many variants, but for the purposes of this blog, I am focusing on what I think are the two main personalities.

Silverjade, who has helped me understand the intricacies of relationships and has helped me through a lot of life changes, will hopefully agree with me.

Firstly, the rocks:

They are the immovable objects. They end up usually being the “rock” in the relationship. For them to be the rock, they cannot waiver. They cannot go back on any decisions or choices. That would show weakness and a flaw in the rock. It will damage the relationship because the foundation (rock) isn’t strong enough to support both people.

The rocks are normally the ones that do not falter, and appear to be strong at all times. You will never see them show wild emotions. Everything is always controlled.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am saying that these people are needed at times, and I don’t want it to sound like they are emotionless creatures that want to dominate at all times. This is not the case, and I suspect that they are vulnerable at times and also prone to self-doubt.

Secondly, the people pleasers:

I myself fall under this category. You feel that you would do anything to make the people around you happy, and even more so for the one you love. The problem with this attitude is you end up molding yourself around the other person’s life. You become what they need you to be. Or at least what you think they need you to be. While you are becoming what you think is needed in the relationship, you end up losing yourself. I know, I have done this before. And in doing so, the other person invariably falls out of love with you, because you are not the person that they once met.

Losing yourself for the sake of another is the biggest mistake one can make.

These blogs are my journey back to becoming myself, after a relationship where I changed. Where I thought I was being what the relationship and the other person needed.

Again, don’t misunderstand, as I am sure some of you reading will see the pleasers as weak willed and always bending to other peoples wills. Not true. We choose to change for the better of a relationship. We are like a young sapling tree, still able to twist and bend in the wind. But definitely not weak.

Now for my opinion on this subject, and my solution.

I think that society has forced us to fit into these roles, as this is the “norm” and how we should deal with everyday life.

We either have to be the rocks, or the pleasers.

I say no. Be perfectly you. Be the only thing you can be.

You.

Be the rock at times, be the pleaser when it is required. But be yourself. That way both parties in the relationship can support each other and be a unit that can grow in love. That no challenge can’t be overcome by working together.

By changing this one dynamic in a relationship, there is no more power struggle. No one will have to hold the relationship up, and no one will have to  change who they are in the relationship.

New Endings

The title is a bit confusing I know. This is more about how one feels after a relationship ends, and the excitement of new beginnings.

You tend to find yourself in a very weird place after a long term relationship. The place where you are full of hopes and dreams for the future, trying to find yourself and your feet all in one go. But at the same time, you are sad and alone. It is hard knowing that a good portion of your life was spent on a relationship that ended. I would even go so far in saying, that you sometimes don't even miss the person anymore, but just the feeling of belonging and being loved.

This is where my Intimate Cuddling blog ties in. You need some connection with another human being to cope.

Again, you are in this weird space, where you want to move on, but your own mind is blocking you. This block is most of the time your own doing. Either you are waiting for the other person to “change their mind” and come back to you, or you are afraid of the change that is happening and will happen in the future. I fall under the latter category. I have always adapted well to small changes in my life, but the big things… that’s another story. Losing a loved one, moving house, death, all of these things are seen as life changing and in my opinion can be very scary.

On this matter I am still conflicted with no clear answer. I am still in a holding pattern, waiting to accept the changes in my life. Every single day is a challenge, and a new form of acceptance. And every day it gets a little bit better. The help of friends and family goes a long way to the healing process. Even though this is not the Intimate Cuddling I speak of, it is a form of human connection. It is the connection which affirms our own self-worth.

This is another  topic altogether. The assignment of self-worth based on the opinions of others. I will cover this topic in another blog in the future.

In the near future, the only feeling that will be left is the excitement of things to come.

Flight of the Crow

When faced with difficult situations, I tend to find a dark space in my head and hide there. It’s a form of protection. And I am not saying it’s the smartest thing to do, but it is what I do.

Knowing you are in this dark space is one thing. But getting out is another thing altogether. My sister says that when faced with trouble she "chooses" not to be in a dark space. It is a skill I have not mastered yet. I always need an external source to lift me up. This is where I assign a "supernatural" element to random things around me, as a means of escape.

I have always attached this "supernatural" element to crows. At least in my own mind they are special. I always had a sense that if I see a crow, that there is a message in the seeing of the crow. What it is doing, and how it reacts can tell me something about how I feel.

So keeping that in mind, I needed a message a couple of days ago. And I got it.

I understand that logically I saw the message I wanted to see, that there is no supernatural component to what I saw, but I also keep this little tiny spark alive inside me that it could be more than that.

In the sky not far from me, was a standard black crow. But for a couple of minutes I was completely engrossed by its flight. I focused particularly on the movement of its wings. The way it would make slight adjustments in its glide. The way the feathers ruffle and shift with every gust of wind. The tail twisting and accommodating the new direction of wind. Watching this crow balance on a gust of air was a very intimate moment.

In that moment I realised that I am trying to make headway through my situation. As if I am trying to fly into a strong wind. It is tiring without any real forward movement. I should be moving like this crow. I should rise above the winds. I should use it to glide. Any gusts of wind should not disturb my flight, as I can make small adjustments to stay above it. It shouldn't bring me down. I should use it to get above the problem, to see it from a new perspective. Only in this strategy can I have any personal growth.

Intimate Cuddling

Why is it that after a breakup, we all look for sex with the first person that we see?

Why do we go back for that "break-up" sex?

These are questions that have always plagued me. And even more so now, as I do not understand why I don't feel the same. I am supposed to want sex from a random stranger. I am supposed to drop my inhibitions and my standards. I joke with friends about pretty girls, I joke about sex... Why does it feel wrong though?

Is it that I am still "married" in my head? Maybe.

One thing that has become clear only very recently, is another need that overrides sex.

Intimacy. That is what I want. A friend mentioned that he wants someone to cuddle with. This resonated with me. And the realisation dawned on me that what I am really after is the intimacy. There is no need for sex at this point in my growth. My first order of business should be cuddles. Now with this revelation comes a whole series of unanswered questions.

I don't profess to understand it all yet, but I do have some suspicions. I believe I need to feel safe in the presence of a woman again. To know that I am wanted. Not as a sex toy. Not as a means to a carnal need. But really wanted. Please understand that my current mindset is not created by my ex-lover, but of my own creation. I made myself feel that way. I suspect as a means to protect myself.

Feeling safe is now my goal. How to achieve it? That my friends I cannot answer yet.

Where to start... Oh, the format

This is my first official post... and I am quite nervous.
There is a lot to explain first before I start blogging.

So, there will be swear words and I will discuss sensitive topics. My answer to you if you want to complain is: Pipe the fuck down (Immortal words of Jenna Marbles).

This series will contain my crazy ramblings of day to day events in my life. It is my way of making sense of my personalized little world. Hopefully guiding me to a "nirvana" of sorts where I will be content.

I will also attempt to split these posts into sub categories for easier viewing, as I am certain most people will not be able to handle my awesomeness in one big wallop. Hehe.

So, on to my first blog... I mean second blog... ermm...