Faith and Fear

In a new relationship everything is shiny and new. You are in a dreamworld where everything is hazed out by your new found feelings. But after a couple of weeks your own insecurities start showing.
You start seeing things a little differently. You worry about what the other person really thinks of you, and if you are good enough.
This has been part of my past experiences.
I have over simplified the statement above to get to the point. Even if you do feel good enough, but you have other insecurities, the cracks will start showing. This is what everyone calls "baggage".
These are you your own problems and fears that you carry around with you.
And from what I have seen it manifests in the strangest ways. For instance, you could feel like you are sharing everything about yourself with a soul-mate, but it might feel like the other person isn't sharing with you. I suspect that the sharing happens in both directions, and that you manifest your own fear of rejection onto the other person. Fear of sharing and not being accepted. Fear of opening too much and getting hurt.
In most relationships we are in, or see around us, there is a common denominator. People are never talking enough, there is not enough communication. And I dont mean the standard run of the mill chats with friends and loved ones. I mean honest talk about how we really feel. And I suspect it all comes down to fear. What someone else will think of you if you open up.

Silverjade once told me that one can not grow in fear, but only in faith.
And in this sense I do not mean faith as in religion, but blind faith in yourself in in another person that things will turn out the way they should. I am talking about trust in this sense too. If a child jumps from a table into you arms with their eyes closed, they trust that you will catch them. But that trust runs deeper then that, it is a blind faith that no matter what, you will catch them.

This is what we should be like ion a new relationship. You should have blind faith that the other person will catch you. You should have blind faith that the other person is  going to be there, and be there for you no matter what. You should have blind faith that your love is reciprocated.

And most importantly you should have blind faith in yourself. You should know that you are worthy having around. You should know that the other person, as important as they are, is not as important as yourself. It is easy to "lose" yourself in a new relationship. And in that you lose yourself. Stay true to who you are. If you have fears about something, talk about it and share the fear. In talking about it the fear will most probably disappear. If you fear that the "bubble" is going to burst, that the other person will all of a sudden change their mind, remember faith. Trust the other person with your fall.

And always remember, Grow in faith, not fear.
Be yourself at all times.

Inter relationship power sturggles

My topics all seem to flow into each other. And this is purely because of how I perceive my surroundings and how I learn more every day.

So today’s experience / lesson is about how we change for another person.

I have made some new friends in the last couple of months, and watching their interactions with loved ones has given me a new perspective on relationships.

Why is it that one person will always back down from a fight?

Why is it that one person will change their thinking and the way they react for another person?

Does it mean that person loves the other more? I think not. I think you get two types of people in a relationship. The people pleasers and the rocks.

Please note that this is an over simplification, and that there are many variants, but for the purposes of this blog, I am focusing on what I think are the two main personalities.

Silverjade, who has helped me understand the intricacies of relationships and has helped me through a lot of life changes, will hopefully agree with me.

Firstly, the rocks:

They are the immovable objects. They end up usually being the “rock” in the relationship. For them to be the rock, they cannot waiver. They cannot go back on any decisions or choices. That would show weakness and a flaw in the rock. It will damage the relationship because the foundation (rock) isn’t strong enough to support both people.

The rocks are normally the ones that do not falter, and appear to be strong at all times. You will never see them show wild emotions. Everything is always controlled.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am saying that these people are needed at times, and I don’t want it to sound like they are emotionless creatures that want to dominate at all times. This is not the case, and I suspect that they are vulnerable at times and also prone to self-doubt.

Secondly, the people pleasers:

I myself fall under this category. You feel that you would do anything to make the people around you happy, and even more so for the one you love. The problem with this attitude is you end up molding yourself around the other person’s life. You become what they need you to be. Or at least what you think they need you to be. While you are becoming what you think is needed in the relationship, you end up losing yourself. I know, I have done this before. And in doing so, the other person invariably falls out of love with you, because you are not the person that they once met.

Losing yourself for the sake of another is the biggest mistake one can make.

These blogs are my journey back to becoming myself, after a relationship where I changed. Where I thought I was being what the relationship and the other person needed.

Again, don’t misunderstand, as I am sure some of you reading will see the pleasers as weak willed and always bending to other peoples wills. Not true. We choose to change for the better of a relationship. We are like a young sapling tree, still able to twist and bend in the wind. But definitely not weak.

Now for my opinion on this subject, and my solution.

I think that society has forced us to fit into these roles, as this is the “norm” and how we should deal with everyday life.

We either have to be the rocks, or the pleasers.

I say no. Be perfectly you. Be the only thing you can be.

You.

Be the rock at times, be the pleaser when it is required. But be yourself. That way both parties in the relationship can support each other and be a unit that can grow in love. That no challenge can’t be overcome by working together.

By changing this one dynamic in a relationship, there is no more power struggle. No one will have to hold the relationship up, and no one will have to  change who they are in the relationship.

Future Fluid

There are no guarantees in life.
This is the topic I would like to cover today. From past experience and present situations, I have come up with this conclusion, as many other have.
Life will always throw us curve balls. Most of us don't like it, because it changes the path we are on, and we have to make difficult decisions. We also then have to accept that we are not really in control of our destiny, and as humans, we rebel against that.
We always plan these perfect futures. You decide to immigrate, and your whole world revolves around that decision. You decide to go for a new job, a new house, a better car... All the decision you make are based on the goal you have in mind. And then life hits you with that good 'ole curve ball.
So, what do you do?
I know what I tend to do most often then not... I run and hide.
Like a little girl that is scared of the dark. And that is normal. We all fear change to some extent.
But you know what? Plans change daily for everyone. Imagine it didn't though. That would make for a very boring world and life.
So, lets change (again, something we don't like) the way we think. Take a risk on a new path.
And here is where I get to my point. For anyone out there in a new relationship, this might be good advice I learnt.
Neither person can guarantee that they wont hurt the other person. Again, we don't know what the future holds. Neither can guarantee a specific future. If one person was planning to move to another city, and love hits them full in the face, they might change their mind. I know I would. I would reconsider my entire future I had mapped out for a chance at love. Why isn't that future still a possibility to some extent? Maybe it includes the new person in your life, and maybe the plan you had will be so much better for it.
Neither person can guarantee that the new relationship will last forever. We all know the divorce rate statistics nowadays. I have an opinion about that too, but that will have to be an entire blog on its own.
But one thing that can be promised, is the fact that both can try to be the best that they are. Not the best for the other person, as that would change them and invariably destroy the relationship. But just be themselves to the best of their abilities.
Be an awesome partner in crime. Someone who will be your rock, so that you can be the ground beneath. Both taking on responsibilities and sharing everything.
Both can be honest at all times.

Both can believe that trying is better than giving up on a possible, yet frightening new future. Not the future you had planned, but the future that will possibly enhance your life.

With this insight, we usually also find our self doubt. The little voice that says "I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough. What happens if I get hurt again?"
If you are one of these people, and I assume there are a lot out t here, then know the following:
You have been hurt before, and you survived. your track record for surviving is 100%. Also know that the other person is also taking the same risks, and most probably has the same fears.
As far as looks and intellect goes, that is simple to answer. The other person has most probably shown interest in some form or another. That should tell you that they like you (maybe even more than like) the way you are. Something in you has already attracted them to you.
And looking at "being good enough"? I have no real insight here, as up until recently I have felt that I could never be good enough for someone else. But Silverjade has helped me understand that by being who you are, truly being you, you will be good enough. By being perfectly you, the term being good enough no longer applies, as you are good enough on your own, and for yourself.

In the end, these are in my humble opinion, still just elements in our fear of the unknown and of the change. The change where we cannot see the ending.

I am still struggling with this fear, and learning to cope with it, and accept the changes I cannot control. And accept the changes that might enhance my life, with the risk of being let down.