Acceptance and Judgement

Acceptance in my mind right now is a meaningless term created to make us all feel better.
We act in a certain way around people, so that they accept us "for who we are" and that we do not feel judged.
I would go so far as to say that what we show people, is a part of who we are. But we all filter at some point. Because society dictates a certain behavioral pattern in certain social constructs.

As much as I would love to say "I don't care", as much as I would love to scream "Fuck this!", I cannot, for we all need top fit in. In our own unique way we need to accept other people and be accepted. We need to feel accepted.

There are a lucky few who have people around them that they can be themselves around. But even then I suspect that certain ideas and thoughts are filtered, just because you are never quite sure how people will react to what you have to say. How they will react t o the thoughts in your evil little mind.

And as much as we wouldn't want to be judged, and as much as we would want to be accepted, we do exactly that to the people around us. We see what we want to see and then pigeonhole them, and in doing so we judge them.

I see people living in constant fear of acceptance and judgement. There are times that I am one of them, and there are times that I am lucky enough to break free. I only hope that I can one day be completely free and see the world and the people in it for who they really are.

Flight of the Crow

When faced with difficult situations, I tend to find a dark space in my head and hide there. It’s a form of protection. And I am not saying it’s the smartest thing to do, but it is what I do.

Knowing you are in this dark space is one thing. But getting out is another thing altogether. My sister says that when faced with trouble she "chooses" not to be in a dark space. It is a skill I have not mastered yet. I always need an external source to lift me up. This is where I assign a "supernatural" element to random things around me, as a means of escape.

I have always attached this "supernatural" element to crows. At least in my own mind they are special. I always had a sense that if I see a crow, that there is a message in the seeing of the crow. What it is doing, and how it reacts can tell me something about how I feel.

So keeping that in mind, I needed a message a couple of days ago. And I got it.

I understand that logically I saw the message I wanted to see, that there is no supernatural component to what I saw, but I also keep this little tiny spark alive inside me that it could be more than that.

In the sky not far from me, was a standard black crow. But for a couple of minutes I was completely engrossed by its flight. I focused particularly on the movement of its wings. The way it would make slight adjustments in its glide. The way the feathers ruffle and shift with every gust of wind. The tail twisting and accommodating the new direction of wind. Watching this crow balance on a gust of air was a very intimate moment.

In that moment I realised that I am trying to make headway through my situation. As if I am trying to fly into a strong wind. It is tiring without any real forward movement. I should be moving like this crow. I should rise above the winds. I should use it to glide. Any gusts of wind should not disturb my flight, as I can make small adjustments to stay above it. It shouldn't bring me down. I should use it to get above the problem, to see it from a new perspective. Only in this strategy can I have any personal growth.

Intimate Cuddling

Why is it that after a breakup, we all look for sex with the first person that we see?

Why do we go back for that "break-up" sex?

These are questions that have always plagued me. And even more so now, as I do not understand why I don't feel the same. I am supposed to want sex from a random stranger. I am supposed to drop my inhibitions and my standards. I joke with friends about pretty girls, I joke about sex... Why does it feel wrong though?

Is it that I am still "married" in my head? Maybe.

One thing that has become clear only very recently, is another need that overrides sex.

Intimacy. That is what I want. A friend mentioned that he wants someone to cuddle with. This resonated with me. And the realisation dawned on me that what I am really after is the intimacy. There is no need for sex at this point in my growth. My first order of business should be cuddles. Now with this revelation comes a whole series of unanswered questions.

I don't profess to understand it all yet, but I do have some suspicions. I believe I need to feel safe in the presence of a woman again. To know that I am wanted. Not as a sex toy. Not as a means to a carnal need. But really wanted. Please understand that my current mindset is not created by my ex-lover, but of my own creation. I made myself feel that way. I suspect as a means to protect myself.

Feeling safe is now my goal. How to achieve it? That my friends I cannot answer yet.

Life changing events

Some close friends know that I am going through a divorce at the moment. It is all amicable and only a few harsh words have been said...
But amicable or not, it is still a rough time for me.
I am attempting to share my feelings on this matter, so that others (you the reader) can learn from my mistakes, and further grow as individuals.
I have given much thought to the last 10 years of my life and tried to access every decision, and there is only one conclusion. I sacrificed my happiness for the happiness of another.
The funny yet sad part is that this was done willingly, albeit unknowingly.
Every day you give a bit more of yourself, and you don't realize what you are giving up to do that.
I put her on the pedestal, and did all I could to keep her there.
None of this is her fault though, as I said, this was done willingly.

Even now (three months after the start of the end), it still seems surreal, and I am still "married" in my head. Something I am trying to change.
Doing this is harder than it seems, as I am trying to change, in a short timespan, a decade long habit.
A friend of mine said that for every year of your relationship, the average person requires six months of recovery... I really do hope I am not the average person, and I like to believe I am smarter than the average bear, so to speak.

Another interesting matter to consider is your mental state at the start of the relationship and at the end. The same wise friend added that once you are divorced / separated, your brain takes you back to the last state it was in before you got emotionally involved. That means I am 24ish. The trick is, in my opinion, is to allow this change but to trick your brain into accepting your true age.
I have not perfected this trick yet, and that is my excuse for doing childish and age inappropriate things... and I am vehemently sticking to that excuse.

This soulsearch only leaves me with a vague sense of accomplishment and the need to feel better about my life decisions. I am still confused about the present, but feeling better about the future a little bit more everyday.
Admittedly, one lesson learned early on in life is to not regret your decisions, for they made you who you are. In this way you can be uniquely you. I am trying to be uniquely me everyday. I am a snowflake.

That is all I have to share at the moment, but look out for my next blog in a couple of days. I will still cover coping, friends, dating and bad habits in this series.

Where to start... Oh, the format

This is my first official post... and I am quite nervous.
There is a lot to explain first before I start blogging.

So, there will be swear words and I will discuss sensitive topics. My answer to you if you want to complain is: Pipe the fuck down (Immortal words of Jenna Marbles).

This series will contain my crazy ramblings of day to day events in my life. It is my way of making sense of my personalized little world. Hopefully guiding me to a "nirvana" of sorts where I will be content.

I will also attempt to split these posts into sub categories for easier viewing, as I am certain most people will not be able to handle my awesomeness in one big wallop. Hehe.

So, on to my first blog... I mean second blog... ermm...