Future Fluid

There are no guarantees in life.
This is the topic I would like to cover today. From past experience and present situations, I have come up with this conclusion, as many other have.
Life will always throw us curve balls. Most of us don't like it, because it changes the path we are on, and we have to make difficult decisions. We also then have to accept that we are not really in control of our destiny, and as humans, we rebel against that.
We always plan these perfect futures. You decide to immigrate, and your whole world revolves around that decision. You decide to go for a new job, a new house, a better car... All the decision you make are based on the goal you have in mind. And then life hits you with that good 'ole curve ball.
So, what do you do?
I know what I tend to do most often then not... I run and hide.
Like a little girl that is scared of the dark. And that is normal. We all fear change to some extent.
But you know what? Plans change daily for everyone. Imagine it didn't though. That would make for a very boring world and life.
So, lets change (again, something we don't like) the way we think. Take a risk on a new path.
And here is where I get to my point. For anyone out there in a new relationship, this might be good advice I learnt.
Neither person can guarantee that they wont hurt the other person. Again, we don't know what the future holds. Neither can guarantee a specific future. If one person was planning to move to another city, and love hits them full in the face, they might change their mind. I know I would. I would reconsider my entire future I had mapped out for a chance at love. Why isn't that future still a possibility to some extent? Maybe it includes the new person in your life, and maybe the plan you had will be so much better for it.
Neither person can guarantee that the new relationship will last forever. We all know the divorce rate statistics nowadays. I have an opinion about that too, but that will have to be an entire blog on its own.
But one thing that can be promised, is the fact that both can try to be the best that they are. Not the best for the other person, as that would change them and invariably destroy the relationship. But just be themselves to the best of their abilities.
Be an awesome partner in crime. Someone who will be your rock, so that you can be the ground beneath. Both taking on responsibilities and sharing everything.
Both can be honest at all times.

Both can believe that trying is better than giving up on a possible, yet frightening new future. Not the future you had planned, but the future that will possibly enhance your life.

With this insight, we usually also find our self doubt. The little voice that says "I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough. What happens if I get hurt again?"
If you are one of these people, and I assume there are a lot out t here, then know the following:
You have been hurt before, and you survived. your track record for surviving is 100%. Also know that the other person is also taking the same risks, and most probably has the same fears.
As far as looks and intellect goes, that is simple to answer. The other person has most probably shown interest in some form or another. That should tell you that they like you (maybe even more than like) the way you are. Something in you has already attracted them to you.
And looking at "being good enough"? I have no real insight here, as up until recently I have felt that I could never be good enough for someone else. But Silverjade has helped me understand that by being who you are, truly being you, you will be good enough. By being perfectly you, the term being good enough no longer applies, as you are good enough on your own, and for yourself.

In the end, these are in my humble opinion, still just elements in our fear of the unknown and of the change. The change where we cannot see the ending.

I am still struggling with this fear, and learning to cope with it, and accept the changes I cannot control. And accept the changes that might enhance my life, with the risk of being let down.

New Endings

The title is a bit confusing I know. This is more about how one feels after a relationship ends, and the excitement of new beginnings.

You tend to find yourself in a very weird place after a long term relationship. The place where you are full of hopes and dreams for the future, trying to find yourself and your feet all in one go. But at the same time, you are sad and alone. It is hard knowing that a good portion of your life was spent on a relationship that ended. I would even go so far in saying, that you sometimes don't even miss the person anymore, but just the feeling of belonging and being loved.

This is where my Intimate Cuddling blog ties in. You need some connection with another human being to cope.

Again, you are in this weird space, where you want to move on, but your own mind is blocking you. This block is most of the time your own doing. Either you are waiting for the other person to “change their mind” and come back to you, or you are afraid of the change that is happening and will happen in the future. I fall under the latter category. I have always adapted well to small changes in my life, but the big things… that’s another story. Losing a loved one, moving house, death, all of these things are seen as life changing and in my opinion can be very scary.

On this matter I am still conflicted with no clear answer. I am still in a holding pattern, waiting to accept the changes in my life. Every single day is a challenge, and a new form of acceptance. And every day it gets a little bit better. The help of friends and family goes a long way to the healing process. Even though this is not the Intimate Cuddling I speak of, it is a form of human connection. It is the connection which affirms our own self-worth.

This is another  topic altogether. The assignment of self-worth based on the opinions of others. I will cover this topic in another blog in the future.

In the near future, the only feeling that will be left is the excitement of things to come.

Self realisation and the terror of moving on

Self realisation sucks.  Especially when you notice something that you have been hiding. Even from yourself. Some back story is in order for this to make sense.

I am getting divorced. It is in the final stages, and still no easier to deal with.

Friends and family have been asking me if I have “moved on”. Now this is fairly easy to interpret. They mean have I had my rebound. And the answer is no. As I am not divorced yet, I will not do anything to break the promise that I made. At least this is what I tell everyone, and please don’t get me wrong. This is a reason why I haven’t moved on yet. It is not THE reason. And this is where self realisation is a bitch. I finally figured out why I haven’t moved on.

I am terrified.

There, I said it. I am so scared of another relationship, that I have not made any attempt to speak to anyone of the opposite sex. At least not any meaningful conversation with someone that I don’t know.

I have a couple of friends that I can be open with, and we can joke and laugh about anything, but I keep myself locked in those friendships. And that is it. They are friendships. I have friend zoned myself.

Now, as I said, I am still new to the idea of not being married anymore. And most people I know push for me to move on, because it will be good for me. I disagree… partly… Maybe I need to clarify why any sort of relationship would terrify me. I am not pushing blame on anyone. A lot of how I feel has got to do with my own mindset, and the events over a couple of years that got me to this point. I am terrified that I will not be good enough (queue Sarah Mclachlan song…). In a physical and mental relationship I am terrified that I won’t live up to any ideological standards of a “man”. And I certainly don’t want to start a relationship while in this frame of mind.

But here is the conundrum. As I am lead to believe, I will not change the way I feel about a relationship, until I have had another brief but wild relationship. You know the one that makes you feel important again. The one that makes you feel worthy of love and being able to move on.

So, I wont move on because of how I feel, but to change the way I feel, I need to move on…

My only response to that statement would be “aww hell…”

So after all of this I still don’t have an answer, but strangely I feel a lot better about my subconscious decisions.