Why is it that after a breakup, we all look for sex with the first person
that we see?
Why do we go back for that "break-up" sex?
These are questions that have always plagued me. And even more so now, as I
do not understand why I don't feel the same. I am supposed to want sex from a
random stranger. I am supposed to drop my inhibitions and my standards. I joke
with friends about pretty girls, I joke about sex... Why does it feel wrong
though?
Is it that I am still "married" in my head? Maybe.
One thing that has become clear only very recently, is another need that
overrides sex.
Intimacy. That is what I want. A friend mentioned that he wants someone to
cuddle with. This resonated with me. And the realisation dawned on me that what
I am really after is the intimacy. There is no need for sex at this point in my
growth. My first order of business should be cuddles. Now with this revelation
comes a whole series of unanswered questions.
I don't profess to understand it all yet, but I do have some suspicions. I
believe I need to feel safe in the presence of a woman again. To know that I am
wanted. Not as a sex toy. Not as a means to a carnal need. But really wanted.
Please understand that my current mindset is not created by my ex-lover, but of
my own creation. I made myself feel that way. I suspect as a means to protect
myself.
Feeling safe is now my goal. How to achieve it? That my friends I cannot
answer yet.
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