Self realisation sucks. Especially when you notice something that you
have been hiding. Even from yourself. Some back story is in order for this to
make sense.
I am getting divorced. It is in the final stages, and still no easier
to deal with.
Friends and family have been asking me if I have “moved on”. Now this
is fairly easy to interpret. They mean have I had my rebound. And the answer is
no. As I am not divorced yet, I will not do anything to break the promise that I
made. At least this is what I tell everyone, and please don’t get me wrong.
This is a reason why I haven’t moved on yet. It is not THE reason. And this is
where self realisation is a bitch. I finally figured out why I haven’t moved
on.
I am terrified.
There, I said it. I am so scared of another relationship, that I have
not made any attempt to speak to anyone of the opposite sex. At least not any
meaningful conversation with someone that I don’t know.
I have a couple of friends that I can be open with, and we can joke and
laugh about anything, but I keep myself locked in those friendships. And that
is it. They are friendships. I have friend zoned myself.
Now, as I said, I am still new to the idea of not being married
anymore. And most people I know push for me to move on, because it will be good
for me. I disagree… partly… Maybe I need to clarify why any sort of
relationship would terrify me. I am not pushing blame on anyone. A lot of how I
feel has got to do with my own mindset, and the events over a couple of years
that got me to this point. I am terrified that I will not be good enough (queue
Sarah Mclachlan song…). In a physical and mental relationship I am terrified
that I won’t live up to any ideological standards of a “man”. And I certainly don’t
want to start a relationship while in this frame of mind.
But here is the conundrum. As I am lead to believe, I will not change
the way I feel about a relationship, until I have had another brief but wild relationship.
You know the one that makes you feel important again. The one that makes you
feel worthy of love and being able to move on.
So, I wont move on because of how I feel, but to change the way I feel,
I need to move on…
My only response to that statement would be “aww hell…”
So after all of this I still don’t have an answer, but strangely I feel
a lot better about my subconscious decisions.
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