New Endings

The title is a bit confusing I know. This is more about how one feels after a relationship ends, and the excitement of new beginnings.

You tend to find yourself in a very weird place after a long term relationship. The place where you are full of hopes and dreams for the future, trying to find yourself and your feet all in one go. But at the same time, you are sad and alone. It is hard knowing that a good portion of your life was spent on a relationship that ended. I would even go so far in saying, that you sometimes don't even miss the person anymore, but just the feeling of belonging and being loved.

This is where my Intimate Cuddling blog ties in. You need some connection with another human being to cope.

Again, you are in this weird space, where you want to move on, but your own mind is blocking you. This block is most of the time your own doing. Either you are waiting for the other person to “change their mind” and come back to you, or you are afraid of the change that is happening and will happen in the future. I fall under the latter category. I have always adapted well to small changes in my life, but the big things… that’s another story. Losing a loved one, moving house, death, all of these things are seen as life changing and in my opinion can be very scary.

On this matter I am still conflicted with no clear answer. I am still in a holding pattern, waiting to accept the changes in my life. Every single day is a challenge, and a new form of acceptance. And every day it gets a little bit better. The help of friends and family goes a long way to the healing process. Even though this is not the Intimate Cuddling I speak of, it is a form of human connection. It is the connection which affirms our own self-worth.

This is another  topic altogether. The assignment of self-worth based on the opinions of others. I will cover this topic in another blog in the future.

In the near future, the only feeling that will be left is the excitement of things to come.

Parental Illusions

Topic for today is on parenting.

For those who know me, I am not a parent. But I have been around friends and family long enough to form my own opinion on the subject of parenting.

To get to the point I am trying to make today I have to tell a little story first.

I was lucky enough to spend a weekend recently with a dear friend. This friend has a little 6 year old. During the weekend I was able to closely watch the interaction between parent and child, and also the interaction of the grandparents and child / grand-child. It is fascinating to watch how a six year old child can grasp the nature of adult interactions, and the conclusions they come to. The things that children say are priceless, and you start suspecting that they aren’t as clueless as most people think. All of this was fascinating, but the best is to see the trust they have in their family. And yes I am talking about the whole “trust fall” scenario, but it is more than that. When they are sad or hurt, they will immediately go to a parent, who they know will comfort them. There is no doubt in their minds that this parent will comfort them. I am lucky enough to have had this growing up, and even more so that I had two parents who did this for me.

On to the next amazing thing that happened over the span of three days. I have seen and interacted with the child in question over the last couple of months, but it was always limited. But being around someone for a couple of days in a row will obviously change the way you interact and react to another person. What was astounding and frightening at the same time was the trust that built up over the course of the three days. From not really knowing a person to laughing and joking, even playing in the pool, to comforting when hurt. This is what life is about.

On to my own personal feelings about this. The three days made me realise two things. The first is that I now know that I want to be a father. Watching the daily interactions between parent and child is mesmerizing. And yes, I am including the temper tantrums, the difficulties when they are naughty, or tired and grumpy, not just the happy times. All of the interactions are what forms a young mind, keeps them open to new ideas.  The fact that I am now for all intents and purposes single again makes having a child a bit problematic. But it is something that can be rectified by consciously deciding to date again, and eventually (hopefully) fall in love again and move on with life.

The second realisation requires more background. If you haven’t picked up on this yet, the friend in question is divorced. The father has visitation rights to the child. And this is where I am saddened. Why when you have brought a child into this world, and have so many amazing opportunities to learn and grow with your child, would you choose not to spend every waking moment with that child?

I understand that there are circumstances in life that prevent this from happening, but when you have a chance to be with your child, don’t leave them with family and go out with friends. It’s a small amount of time spent with the child that will help them form the relationship bonds that they require as children. The bonds that will teach them what selfless love is.

I am not a parent, so maybe I have no right to say anything, but this is my opinion for what its worth.

Self realisation and the terror of moving on

Self realisation sucks.  Especially when you notice something that you have been hiding. Even from yourself. Some back story is in order for this to make sense.

I am getting divorced. It is in the final stages, and still no easier to deal with.

Friends and family have been asking me if I have “moved on”. Now this is fairly easy to interpret. They mean have I had my rebound. And the answer is no. As I am not divorced yet, I will not do anything to break the promise that I made. At least this is what I tell everyone, and please don’t get me wrong. This is a reason why I haven’t moved on yet. It is not THE reason. And this is where self realisation is a bitch. I finally figured out why I haven’t moved on.

I am terrified.

There, I said it. I am so scared of another relationship, that I have not made any attempt to speak to anyone of the opposite sex. At least not any meaningful conversation with someone that I don’t know.

I have a couple of friends that I can be open with, and we can joke and laugh about anything, but I keep myself locked in those friendships. And that is it. They are friendships. I have friend zoned myself.

Now, as I said, I am still new to the idea of not being married anymore. And most people I know push for me to move on, because it will be good for me. I disagree… partly… Maybe I need to clarify why any sort of relationship would terrify me. I am not pushing blame on anyone. A lot of how I feel has got to do with my own mindset, and the events over a couple of years that got me to this point. I am terrified that I will not be good enough (queue Sarah Mclachlan song…). In a physical and mental relationship I am terrified that I won’t live up to any ideological standards of a “man”. And I certainly don’t want to start a relationship while in this frame of mind.

But here is the conundrum. As I am lead to believe, I will not change the way I feel about a relationship, until I have had another brief but wild relationship. You know the one that makes you feel important again. The one that makes you feel worthy of love and being able to move on.

So, I wont move on because of how I feel, but to change the way I feel, I need to move on…

My only response to that statement would be “aww hell…”

So after all of this I still don’t have an answer, but strangely I feel a lot better about my subconscious decisions.

Acceptance and Judgement

Acceptance in my mind right now is a meaningless term created to make us all feel better.
We act in a certain way around people, so that they accept us "for who we are" and that we do not feel judged.
I would go so far as to say that what we show people, is a part of who we are. But we all filter at some point. Because society dictates a certain behavioral pattern in certain social constructs.

As much as I would love to say "I don't care", as much as I would love to scream "Fuck this!", I cannot, for we all need top fit in. In our own unique way we need to accept other people and be accepted. We need to feel accepted.

There are a lucky few who have people around them that they can be themselves around. But even then I suspect that certain ideas and thoughts are filtered, just because you are never quite sure how people will react to what you have to say. How they will react t o the thoughts in your evil little mind.

And as much as we wouldn't want to be judged, and as much as we would want to be accepted, we do exactly that to the people around us. We see what we want to see and then pigeonhole them, and in doing so we judge them.

I see people living in constant fear of acceptance and judgement. There are times that I am one of them, and there are times that I am lucky enough to break free. I only hope that I can one day be completely free and see the world and the people in it for who they really are.

Flight of the Crow

When faced with difficult situations, I tend to find a dark space in my head and hide there. It’s a form of protection. And I am not saying it’s the smartest thing to do, but it is what I do.

Knowing you are in this dark space is one thing. But getting out is another thing altogether. My sister says that when faced with trouble she "chooses" not to be in a dark space. It is a skill I have not mastered yet. I always need an external source to lift me up. This is where I assign a "supernatural" element to random things around me, as a means of escape.

I have always attached this "supernatural" element to crows. At least in my own mind they are special. I always had a sense that if I see a crow, that there is a message in the seeing of the crow. What it is doing, and how it reacts can tell me something about how I feel.

So keeping that in mind, I needed a message a couple of days ago. And I got it.

I understand that logically I saw the message I wanted to see, that there is no supernatural component to what I saw, but I also keep this little tiny spark alive inside me that it could be more than that.

In the sky not far from me, was a standard black crow. But for a couple of minutes I was completely engrossed by its flight. I focused particularly on the movement of its wings. The way it would make slight adjustments in its glide. The way the feathers ruffle and shift with every gust of wind. The tail twisting and accommodating the new direction of wind. Watching this crow balance on a gust of air was a very intimate moment.

In that moment I realised that I am trying to make headway through my situation. As if I am trying to fly into a strong wind. It is tiring without any real forward movement. I should be moving like this crow. I should rise above the winds. I should use it to glide. Any gusts of wind should not disturb my flight, as I can make small adjustments to stay above it. It shouldn't bring me down. I should use it to get above the problem, to see it from a new perspective. Only in this strategy can I have any personal growth.

Intimate Cuddling

Why is it that after a breakup, we all look for sex with the first person that we see?

Why do we go back for that "break-up" sex?

These are questions that have always plagued me. And even more so now, as I do not understand why I don't feel the same. I am supposed to want sex from a random stranger. I am supposed to drop my inhibitions and my standards. I joke with friends about pretty girls, I joke about sex... Why does it feel wrong though?

Is it that I am still "married" in my head? Maybe.

One thing that has become clear only very recently, is another need that overrides sex.

Intimacy. That is what I want. A friend mentioned that he wants someone to cuddle with. This resonated with me. And the realisation dawned on me that what I am really after is the intimacy. There is no need for sex at this point in my growth. My first order of business should be cuddles. Now with this revelation comes a whole series of unanswered questions.

I don't profess to understand it all yet, but I do have some suspicions. I believe I need to feel safe in the presence of a woman again. To know that I am wanted. Not as a sex toy. Not as a means to a carnal need. But really wanted. Please understand that my current mindset is not created by my ex-lover, but of my own creation. I made myself feel that way. I suspect as a means to protect myself.

Feeling safe is now my goal. How to achieve it? That my friends I cannot answer yet.

Life changing events

Some close friends know that I am going through a divorce at the moment. It is all amicable and only a few harsh words have been said...
But amicable or not, it is still a rough time for me.
I am attempting to share my feelings on this matter, so that others (you the reader) can learn from my mistakes, and further grow as individuals.
I have given much thought to the last 10 years of my life and tried to access every decision, and there is only one conclusion. I sacrificed my happiness for the happiness of another.
The funny yet sad part is that this was done willingly, albeit unknowingly.
Every day you give a bit more of yourself, and you don't realize what you are giving up to do that.
I put her on the pedestal, and did all I could to keep her there.
None of this is her fault though, as I said, this was done willingly.

Even now (three months after the start of the end), it still seems surreal, and I am still "married" in my head. Something I am trying to change.
Doing this is harder than it seems, as I am trying to change, in a short timespan, a decade long habit.
A friend of mine said that for every year of your relationship, the average person requires six months of recovery... I really do hope I am not the average person, and I like to believe I am smarter than the average bear, so to speak.

Another interesting matter to consider is your mental state at the start of the relationship and at the end. The same wise friend added that once you are divorced / separated, your brain takes you back to the last state it was in before you got emotionally involved. That means I am 24ish. The trick is, in my opinion, is to allow this change but to trick your brain into accepting your true age.
I have not perfected this trick yet, and that is my excuse for doing childish and age inappropriate things... and I am vehemently sticking to that excuse.

This soulsearch only leaves me with a vague sense of accomplishment and the need to feel better about my life decisions. I am still confused about the present, but feeling better about the future a little bit more everyday.
Admittedly, one lesson learned early on in life is to not regret your decisions, for they made you who you are. In this way you can be uniquely you. I am trying to be uniquely me everyday. I am a snowflake.

That is all I have to share at the moment, but look out for my next blog in a couple of days. I will still cover coping, friends, dating and bad habits in this series.